Broken

The shower is one of the safest places you can be in some people’s opinions. You are alone and you can take time to think about life. Just sit there and think about what is going on in your life or a tough situation that you are going through, try to recuperate. Then again, the shower could also be one of the most dangerous places one could be in. You might get carried away in your thoughts and they might overcome you. You may end up doing the one thing you never thought something so bad would lead to it. I have been going through a lot. I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. To me, the shower is one of the most amazing places because no one can disturb me or influence me in any way. Where no one can mess with my head or put thoughts or their own feelings in my head. Where I can think for myself. I am alone to just think about life. Alone. One of the only places and times I actually want to be alone. That is my thinking time. My time and place to escape from everyone. My time and place to escape from reality. Where no one can hurt me. But sadly, it is the one place I am free to hurt myself. My thoughts get carried away. They lead me down this great, deep, dark hole with nothing but darkness and deep despair lying at the bottom. Bad things have been running through my mind lately. When all hope seems lost and I feel that I have nothing left, my mind gets carried away. When I feel that I have nothing left and I cannot continue on anymore. My mind goes to cutting or even suicide because that seems to be how people fix their problems now-a-days. How they heal themselves. How they take away the mental pain; they just replace it with physical pain. I cannot tell you how many times within the past 3 months I have wanted to give up. How many times I have wanted just not to go on. It would be the easiest escape right? The easiest way out of things. The way to show that you have given up. Because truthfully, I’m getting to that point. People say I’m so strong and they’re so impressed with how well I’m taking all of this. Honestly, I’m constantly breaking inside. Little by little. That strong girl that people see is just an act. On the outside, I am this strong girl that does her best not to let anything get in her way or hurt her. On the inside, I’m scared. Terrified actually. I don’t know what to do about things anymore. I don’t know how to cope with things. I don’t know why or how to continue on. It may seem that I’m strong and I’m not having problems, but if one could see how broken I am inside they would never be able to return to the light. They wouldn’t be able to escape from the pain and suffering that they would witness. I’m hurting. Constantly. I was in the shower a few minutes ago. I was sitting there with the razor in my hand. Asking myself over and over if I would do it. If I had the courage to do it. I had been thinking about that moment a lot lately. Thinking that it would save me. That it would fix all of my problems. I sat there just thinking about it. I then thought to myself and came to my senses, “This isn’t a way out. This isn’t considered courage if you actually end up doing it. It’s considered cowardly. You are stronger than this. This isn’t the answer.” And now that I think a little more about it, I would not only be hurting myself, but the ones around me. I have felt that I have no one. That everyone just abandoned me and I’m in this big world alone with no one to comfort me. No one to hold me. No one to tell me that it’s okay when I’m down. But the truth is, I do have people. They are all around me. I just don’t realize it. They are constantly rooting me on urging and begging me go move forward. To stay strong. Though I still feel like I have no one, I know that I have my Heavenly Father that loves me if no one else does. If I have no one else to go to, then I always have him. To some people this may seem like a cry for attention but that was the last thing I wanted to do and I am truthfully sorry if you see this post that way. I am only letting my feelings out. If you don’t like what I post then feel free not to read it. I know I may seem like a typical teenager just hungry for attention and will do anything for it but I am not one of those people. I always heard of those people that cut themselves or committed suicide and constantly told myself that I would never be one of those people. I know that there are people in way worse situations than I am in right now but people are different. Everyone has their own pain tolerance level and I am repeatedly knocking the maximum line. This blog helps me so much. It helps me vent and get my feelings out in ways that people will hopefully not judge me or put me down for feeling a certain way. It’s my replacement for talking to my parents so they don’t have to judge me or become concerned about me when they have other things to worry about. It is one of the few places that actually makes me feel safe.